Future shocks

“Guys let’s call it a toast for the nigger gang” I raised the glass and looked for others to join. “Let’s celebrate this much awaited moment” Senthil said and all raised their glass to begin the party. Despite being close to each other both in terms of distance and to the hearts, we are meeting after a decade. Life has become so busy, despite the solar jets and wind cruisers. It’s year 2025, and we all are able to make it for the alumni meet. We are in our early 40s. It is the age to take a small break from the routine and seriously work out for an eight-pack abs. It's the right age for men to look out for an alternate career and love. All of us looked wise with gray steaks of hair. “The early 40s have brought us more of a manly and matured looks” I turned to Tatri and added, “In some cases the maturity confined only to looks”. Every one laughed while Tatri was busy digging his teeth in the turkey.

We had dropped our kids at an amusement park, wives to beauty saloons and sat in a pub to catch up with old memories and few cold beers. Every one of us is quite settled with high paying jobs that promised frequent trips abroad. Iyyer and Tifosi are running their own businesses profitably. Senthil is working out options on quitting his job and joining Tifosi’s venture. After my blog became popular, I started getting offers to work on the scripts of some sex comedies. Vidhun, Santa and Larry are senior managers in reputed Indian MNCs. Tatri and Sid together are running an advertising firm. Last week their firm was on news for doing some controversial ad on a concept called “Brand slut”.

We talked about our college days, careers and then jumped to family matters. As we started talking about our kids, Senthil said firmly “Let’s not talk about this and spoil the party". “What’s wrong with them man?” I asked abit surprised. “Don’t tell me that every thing is right with your kid!” said Larry. “My Son is ok Larry” I said and turned to all “He is disciplined and well mannered”. “Wow” Senthil said gulping his beer “You know my spoiled brat and Tifosi’s kid are doing all sorts of nonsense at school”. Tifosi added “Last month my Son was dismissed from the school for the third time. Luckily his maths teacher was my ex girl friend so you know I had to manage by…” his lips curved in an effort to hide the smile. “Screw you Tify” said Larry “Don’t put the blame on your kid. It’ you who wanted to make use of the situation”. “Why don’t you kick his butt and put him in the right path Tify?” I asked him ignoring his evil smile. “No. I can’t do that” Tify took a puff and said looking at our puzzled faces “He’s got some videos of me in his 3G phone. So I better listen to him”. Before I could recover from the shock, others started narrating about the troubles they are having with their offspring. Vidhun said, “My Son had organized a beach party and almost got arrested". “My son got suspended from school” Santa added, “His classmate fainted after drinking water from his bottle”. “He drinks raw liquor and sells porn magazines at school”

“My kid is little ahead” Iyyer said “I cut his pocket money and he sold 20% of my company shares to my competitors”. “My Son has become such a drunkard that we had to take him to a therapist” said Tatri. “Is he fine now?” I asked. “Who” asked Tatri “The therapist?”. “No you idiot. I am asking about your Son” I smiled. “He didn't change Man” he said warily. “Then?” I asked confused. “The Therapist” he said giving a pause “Became such a big drunkard that his wife and kids deserted him”. Every one laughed.

Sid and Larry iterated similar kind of stories about their spoilt brats. Every one looked at me to speak about my son. “I guess Vardhan’s Son must be managing quite well,” some one said. “No believe me. My Son is really nice, he is very soft natured" a proud father in me said. "He might score less in studies, but when it comes to character" I said standing "He stands tall". "I have heard enough from you guys” I told firmly “Now you all listen to me. Leave your kids in my home this summer. My son and I will take up the responsibility of putting them on the right track". Every one nodded approving of my suggestion. I called for the bill and sat back.

“Sir” the bar tender said and politely handed the bill. “Rs 1.5 Lakhs” I shouted on him “Are you high on Cocaine?” “Calm down Vardhan” Senthil patted on my shoulder “There are two bills” he separated them. There was one bill for Rs 50, 000, which we anticipated, and another for Rs1, 00, 000. “What the hell is this” I took the other bill and questioned furiously while the others were trying to calm me down. The Manager came running and informed all of us “Sir, this is the bill made by a few kids who claim to be your children”. "Oh my God" Iyyer panicked "It's our kids". “What is this???” I looked at the paper “It's a bill from the striptease club, right?” I questioned seeing the heading of the bill. “Right Sir” he said warily. Of every one, Tifosi looked really worried. “What do you mean right” I shot a warning look “Why the heck have you allowed a group of young kids to get into a strip tease bar?” “Oh no” Tatri held his head “I told that ass to be in the amusement park till I pick him up”. The Manager spoke terrified “Sorry Sir. I was forced to allow as one of the kid was having a licensed revolver”. “Oh my God” shouted Tifosi for being confident on his Son’s capabilities. “Sir I swear to God, I have never seen such an ill tempered kid in my entire life” he stopped to catach a breath and continued“He almost shot our stripper when she refused to….”. “You know that kid’s name?” I asked cutting him. “No Sir” he said, “But the revolver’s license is in the name of his Father”. I looked puzzled, as none of us owned a revolver. "Who is that" I said in a harsh tone. “Sir" he said quickly "It's in the name of Mr.Vardhan”. Suddenly my eyesight blurred and I could hear some one shouting to call 911.

Straight from my Mail Box

MAKING A BABY

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. .... Enjoy reading

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogatefather to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographerhappened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've beenexpecting you.
""Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be Inand out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of hisbaby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider theirmother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.
" Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long. "

Mrs. Smith fainted!!

Straight from my Mail Box

The Logic
Zail singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand everything except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.

Rajiv: Zail singh ji How is your MBA preparation?
Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv: Logic is very easy.Zailsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.
Zail: YES.
Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.
Zailsingh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Zail: How is your MBA preparation?
Buta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail: Oh, logic is easy.
Buta: Please, give me an example.
Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta: NO, I don't.
Zail: Saala HOMO!!!

Realty Bites

Here I come, unleashing the devil in me, vandalizing your life styles, dismantling your dreams, nudging you off from your career ladder. Here I come to spell dooms day for you, to make you swirl aimlessly in the eye of a financial storm.

Well don’t mistake me to be some kind of evil incarnation (Even though some people think I am), No I am just a stupid common man (heard this line some where? I wrote the dialogues for that movie). Yes I am just a stupid common man who is going to play a part in the Realty bubble burst (Indian Version). Yes I will be the one to trigger an another wave of the financial tsunami, battering the very foundation of the financial institutions, capsizing the so called Fortune 500 by making them to file chapter 11 over night, and forcing them to fire thousands of top earning wage workers…oops…I meant “Professionals” (includes me) . But why am I going to do this and how? Go on and read ahead as you have already wasted half of your idle time at office, so why to stop?
These days my Mom has a new problem with me (Apart from finding fault in her culinary skills, too many outings with friends etc). She wants me to settle down in the city by owning an independent house. Just a simple need of having a home, is actually made much simpler by a powerful financial tool called “Home Loan”. Apparently this has become her weapon to win over my every argument.

This is a sample of our every day conversation. When I start getting ready to office thinking that I am not going to get fired the same day, my Mom initiates the discussion
Mom: You know! I met one of my old student who is a real estate agent. She promised me a good site. Shall we go this weekend to see all the sites? She says handing over the cell phone and wallet.)
I: (Tying shoe laces) Mom I have to meet my friends. It’s been long time since I…. Mom: (Cutting my words) You have two days holiday, why don’t you try to spare some time out of these.
I: Mom it’s not just about sparing time, it’s about spending money. In this current (market) situation, it’s not good to go for a Home loan. If I loose the job how am I going it to repay? (Yeah I can lie to this extent to win the argument)
Mom: Shut up. You should not talk bad. God forbid. It will never happen to you. (She smears the sacred powder across my forehead and before it starts all over again, I run out saying “Time up” J ).

Yesterday I used the idea that Vijay gave me. When my Mom brought this subject again, I asked “Mom what was your age when u started earning?” “I was just 20 when I started earning” She expressed with a pride in her eyes. “OK” I said “and at what age did you start building the house?” She thought a sec and said “I was 47 when I started the home. I took lot of trouble to build that house”. “Fine” I said and got up “So you took solid 27 years from the first day of the job to build a house for 5 lakhs. While you want me take a home loan of 27 lakhs and start off living a life of stinginess right from my 27th year. How fair you think it is?” .She did not have an answer at that time but Moms never listen. She says that instead of spending 10-12K on rent, why don’t you build a home and pay the EMI of same amount or little more. She has her own good reasons for having an own house but I have only one reason not to go for it. It’s Money. I am sure I don’t want to be a home loan defaulter and pull down the entire economy with me.

I guess you might have understood, it’s not my sole intention to create another financial Tsunami, I am just a tool. In a city like Bangalore, to have a roof on your head will actually cost a fortune. This is the second stage of the realty bubble burst. The realtors have bought the lands at higher rate and want to sell it much higher to make the profits . But to buy one piece of land for a guy like me who is just pissing around the poverty line is a distinct reality. So to avoid being a home loan defaulter and drag down the market, I am left with no option except marrying a daughter of a Real estate agent or some lady recovery agent from ICICICICICIC (plz truncate few extra ICs for correction).

Wackiest ways to curb Global Warming

"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet." --Jay Leno

Women and Earth complement each other in more than one way. Both are difficult to comprehend and both are getting hotter every day. Two major challenges that today’s men facing are “How to stop the woman from doing shopping and how to stop the Earth from heating”. I am not that brainy to advice on the former one. So let’s go to the lesser interesting topic i.e. “How to curb Global Warming”.

One of my friends who was obsessed with global warming and concerned about the girls (No you read it right. I did not interchange the words) was complaining me the other day. He was saying that the girls and the globe form an unending “Loop of Cause” for Global Warming. He said “As the globe is getting hot, girls in my office are wearing lesser cloths, which in turn makes the girl look hot and also makes the surroundings hot. So the Earth gets even hotter. To bear the heat the girls shed one more cloth and the surroundings...” I had to pour a pot of cold water on his head to cool him down.

Well let’s follow some simple tips to save water, power and fuel to save our only home.

Saving Water:

It is predicted that by 2050 one third of the globe will face severe water shortage. So let us use less water and save it more for the future. So those who take bath daily, try giving a day break and those who take bath weekly, try alternate weeks. I sincerely thank to those who take bath occasionally. Scheduling your shower timings according to the monsoon is also one of the best ways to save water.

To those who are saving water but are dependent on deodorants, understand that the deo sprays produce CFC (chloro fluro carbons) that depletes Ozone layer. So shift to the solid de odorants (Sticks) instead of using aerosols. Guys don’t get carried away by Axe ads. You know it’s far from reality.

Not taking bath and also not using the deodorants helps in more than one way. One can save water, Ozone layer and also curb population explosion (That's a stinky joke isn't it? :) ).

Avoid the wastage of water. Drink alcohol without mixing water or go for Tequila shots.

Saving Power:

Saving power is very easy if you are newly married and if it’s cold out side (Oh my God...are you thinking of browsing the net for a new room heater?).if you are in the phase where the magic in your life has just vanished after 5 years of your married life, then you can try getting into some heated arguments with your wife to stay warm in the winter cold. And if you are a bachelor, I better don’t advice you.

It's not just your home where you should save power and the power bills. You can also follow this at your office. Switch off your PC after the work hours or stay on Bench to avoid switching on your PC.

Finally avoid hot water bath to save power, both hot water and taking the bath to save power and water.

Saving Fuel:

Do car pooling. Approach the girls who are near to your residence and offer them a free pick up and drop facility daily. They would not say no. I tried and it works (Now I get calls from them even on Saturday nights asking me to drop at their boy friend's apartment and pick them up on Monday mornings to office). Even if you have a bike you can do pooling by riding triples (Do not think about the fine you pay, think about how fine the situation can get). If you are a girl, it’s very easy you think of doing car pooling and half the office staff will shift their homes to your locality.

Avoid using of vehicles to go to near by places. Instead, go by walk so that you don’t miss any gorgeous girls on the way. Also when you drive, drive smart. So don’t let your wife behind the wheels. Use public transport. You never know whom you bump into. (I once bumped into a lady ticket inspector in the bus without a ticket and she almost stripped me naked)

Also save trees, use less paper (students you just boycott the class if teacher insists you to buy a book). Use plastic responsibly to avoid pollution as well as to control the population (If you did not get this joke also. Then stop reading my blogs). Also create awareness amongst your friends about global warming. I often raise this issue with my female colleagues. When ever we cross our paths I will stop and say “Is this the effect of global warming or it’s just that you who is making me feel hot”.

Follow all these tips to go green also create awareness among children to make them better citizens than us. Leave your comments and let me know what you can do from your side to save the earth.

Please do not print this post unless it is absolutely necessary. Spread environmental awareness.

Rambling of a Male Chauvinist

Of late, I was looking for a perfect match for my brother. So like a quintessential Indian Son, I accompanied my Mom to various marriage bureaus across Bangalore looking for prospective brides. Having committed the mistake of taking birth in an orthodox Brahmin family and over the top of it not getting committed to any one, searching for a better half is not an easy task any more . Well go through this post to get an insight of the dynamics of marriage market.

It’s more complex than the Philip Kotler’s theory of segmentation. It’s like this. I am a Brhmin, in that a Tamilian, with in that sect an Iyengar, with in that…it follows another two layers like this and finally you will know the target sect (s) that you can look into for a bride. If you spot a girl in the microscopic sub sect that you are looking for, I bet you are far luckier than Columbus was (Blame it on the male female ratio in India) when he spotted America. Only thing is that, you might not get into history. Well that’s not the end of the quest. Now the horoscopes of the girl and the boy should match. Believe me this is the toughest part and the chances of getting it matched is as high as winning a UK lottery.

Well if you are gaping your mouth wondering when the guy and girl would have their say, it’s now, please close your mouth, be a vegetarian. If horscope meet, then the two families meet, if time permits the guy and girl will also get to see each other (in presence of their elders). The two families talk and decide if it’s going to work out. Then the guy and the gal would be allowed to talk just for the sake of formality (To hell with their decision, it’s not considered). After this they get married. Now you must be feeling that getting into Microsoft and dating Gate’s daughter is much easier to this. You are right.

Well, coming to the "male chauvinist" part that you are wondering about. I have gone through hundreds of girls profile, in all of them I found one striking similarity. There's one desire that has spread like a disease, a kind of virus that apparently affects the Guys and not the girls. The parents of the girls have updated their daughter’s profile like these. All with a similar set of wants (or should I call it a need. I don’t know)

.Varshini has completed her 10th, has finished her diploma in Classical Dance and is looking forward to settle in US. Brahmin Software boys working in US are preferred. (It could have been more clear if they had mentioned whether it should be a Java professional or Dot Net or SAP. Right?)

.Mythili is studying final year engineering. Interested to settle down in US. Green card holders are preferred, H1B might be considered. Those who are not looking for working girl can contact, others please excuse (Uncle, you could have also have added some thing like “beware of Dogs” or “no entry for sales persons”)

.Roshini is a broad minded girl (Wow…What does that mean?) from an orthodox family (oh…now this confuses me!). She is working in US (I am game). Brahmin boys who are at a good managerial position (Hey! Wait a minute. You said she is broad-minded right?) Or owning a business (You could have been little elaborate by saying the turn over of the business). Divorcees are also considered (!?!?!?). (Yeah I know one guy called Bill Gates, he’s got his own computer shop there. But I am not sure if he is of the same sect as yours).
You might not be as amused as I am if you are a girl. But take it from me, if you are a guy then run up to the nearest gal, propose fast and get married by EOD (Girls are playing hard on the demand supply gap man). Or accept if some one had already proposed you (Too lucky aren’t you?), or the last and also the least advisable “Go green, do your bit to the population explosion”. Still didn’t get it? Ok I was trying to say, “Be a gay”. The Girl’s and their parents requirements are getting much more complex than the client’s requirements. So plan accordingly hedge your future by some means (That’s a naughty thought, but I like it .)

Now Girls, please do contact me if you like my profile.

I am a broad minded Brahmin software techie (Yeah I write codes in Sanskrit). Who has never ever worked on onsite project, who is earning a handsome salary but is ready to sacrifice his career to help his partner’s career and is willing to settle down in US (I told you it’s for Girls not for guys). I am planning to retire after the marriage (I meant from work) and settle down in US or UK. Interested girls who are earning 6 figures and have best features can contact me. Caste no bar.

Oh why am I getting all the sarcastic smiles now? Get into my shoes and tell me what’s wrong if I consider marriage as one convenient option (the way girls are considering now) to obtain the kind of life style I desire. It still sounds ridiculous is it? I bet it would sound completely normal requirement if a gal had said these. I was telling these requirements to one of my girl friend and she said to me “Hey don’t even dream about it. All you guys are same, all are Male @&#%”. I cut the phone.

What on earth is some thing called “Equality”? (Some one rightly said, “Women fight for equality and still demand reservations”).What's wrong if I desire a life style like this. I help her to get ready to office, drop her in a car give a good-bye kiss and drive back home. Put the dishes to washer, clothes to laundry. Then go out and rent some DVDs and buy one crate of Budwieser . By the time friends would have come home to play Poker. Enjoy the Beer, Movie and the game. At evening, will take the Ferarri and roam around with hot chicks. Drop them off to their place, pick up my better half and go home. That’s it. Simple enough? :)

Hey I hear some one yelling “You Male Chauvinistic %&$...”.

Colors of Life (Styles)

Last week one of my friends from Mangalore (Sid), offered me a couple of free luncheons and dinners, which was enough to lure me to pack my bags and run to Mangalore. Santa accompanied me in this trip.

After our trip to the near by falls, Agumbe and Sid’s favorite place his college in Manipal (Best of the colors were seen at Manipal however), we settled down in a restaurant called “Village”. Sid ordered the list of items that he wanted to try there, it covered 80% of the items under Vegetarian section. I wouldn't surprise if half the species in the world goes extinct, if this guy changes his food habits. In order to avoid staring at others plates , we started talking about our college days. Sid asked me to explain the concept of “Niggers and whites”.

It was in our college days, we had divided the people in to two prominent classes they are “The Whites” and “the blacks”. There is also another category of (psyched up) people called “Tribals” who were neither W nor B. Forget it we are not going to talk about that tribe now.

“First let me tell you about Whites” I said “These guys are gifted with all kinds of luxuries that a student in India can think of having. Like four wheelers, posh bikes and visits to exquisite restaurants and hookah bars with (white) girls. When they go for trip, it will be to the places like Munnar, Kodai or some other fancy place like Goa.

“So do I fall in the Whites category?” Shippy asked me curiously, knowing that he matched most of the above said criteria. “No” the answer came from Sid “You are a Nigger. You will come to know why” he took another big bite from the Veg Role and gestured me to continue. I resumed again. “They are posh and speak class English. Whatever they do, will do in a class way. They talk US politics and listen to English numbers. Show interest only in fellow whites. Blacks are not much entertained leaving out few exceptions like Tatri (Kind of Michale Jackson, a fair skinned black), Sid (A cosmopolitan Nigger) and Santa (A Negro comedian)

Now coming to the blacks. These guys enjoy the life in their own ways despite being devoid of all the luxuries that whites enjoy. Unlike whites, the person to bike ratio is 4:1. For example all of us (you are right, in a way it’s Nigger’s get together) had just one two wheeler to ride, that was our Sid’s priced possession, rather call it an antique piece. (It was the first model of Bajaj Chetak, released in India). The blacks do not speak good English, (believe me I am an exception…hmmm…ok to some extent Sid). They discuss local politics and listen to regional music. Their cash flow allows them to drink only in small bars, dhabhas and some times in their own hostel rooms. They rarely will have (white) girls accompanied. These guys are simple in nature and try to mingle with every one. If they plan a trip, it would be as simple as: trekking to Chamundi hills or boating in Karanji Lake etc. I paused as I poked the fork in to the “Crispy Vegitable" in a desperate attempt to get a taste of it before sid sucks it in like a black hole

Not knowing whether it was a pause or a stop, Shippy said to me “You still did not reason me out why am I black”. “Well not all the questions can be answered by this theory” I said disappointed as Sid snatched away the last piece of “Crispy Veg”. “But let me ask you” I said pointing the fork at him “What makes you to organize this trip with a bunch of hard core niggers? And not a single white included!” I said, “This should explain the logic behind your categorization”

“Sanal and I have come up with a new theory” Sid exclaimed. Santa was not bothered about all these funny classifications, as the gloomy thoughts about his girl friend loomed over him after the fourth peg. As it was expected we did not give a damn about it.

While the Management of the “Village” was planning to ease their operations by laying down a conveyor belt from Kitchen to Sid’s mouth, Sid spoke tearing a paratha “It’s three groups. Ramu, Dude and Class”. Ramu are basically God fearing, flat, simple and obedient guys. ‘Kind of Black’ I thought. “Class” he said and stopped to order half of the desserts available in the Menu(he was on diet). Then he continued, “owing to their brought up ,and the surrounding environments, Class guys tend to be very posh, modern and polished”. I asked Sid “the way I am. So, do I belong to..." He said cutting across my words "Dont even think about it.It will be an insult to that group if I said you were class” he said vacuuming the remaining Coke from the bottle. “Coming to Dudes" he continued "These guys are originally “Ramu”s, apparently they try to behave like Class” he said “Like Sree, Vardhan, Anju etc”. "Ok. I am in this at least" I said to myself happily.

We finished the dinner and were happy about our own theories and the discussion that went on. By now you might have got a fair idea about the segment that you fit into. Both the theories are based on the attribute “Life Style”. These ground-breaking theories are of extensive help when you go for segmenting a market on the basis of this Psychographic attribute. I am sure the Sid’s theory is more refined, while mine has got fair chances of creating a communal riots if applied.

Three Mistakes of My Life-1

Allow me to start this blog with a disclaimer. The title of this blog has nothing to do with the recent novel of Chetan Bagath. It's solely intended to pull the crowd to read this. However my blog narrates about the mischief for which I got caught by our warden Rudri. Enjoy the post.

“Warden Sir is calling you,” said the hostel watchmen. I checked my watch. It was 3 PM, which means that I had slept an hour extra bunking my FM lab. I leaned to the wall lazily and said, “What is it regarding Achari, had his wife eloped with some one?” “No Sir looks like you have messed up some thing”. “He is waiting in the office” he said and left the place.

I pulled on my rugged jeans, wore my bathroom slippers and left for the office in the adjacent building thinking what has made Rudrappa to call me. I have done many mischiefs of late, but was wondering for which one I am going to get convicted now. He was our maths lecturer cum warden. A stone faced, pig eyed, six-foot tall personality . Also the most feared creature in hostel as well as in the college. So messing up with him was indeed a costlier and a risky affair.

“Good Afternoon Sir” I said keeping an innocent smile. He lifted his head from the book and looked at me pushing his specticles closer to his eyes. “What makes you feel that you are very naughty?” he asked me with a cruel smile. “Naughty??” “Oh you mean smart sir”? I asked him knowing his appetite to speak English. In this process he actually assassinates the language. Ignoring my effort to correct his language he gave an angry stare and said, “Tell me what ever mistakes you have done and I will let you go off”. “Do I look like a dumb ass to you Rudri?” I thought.

“Sir you know me well. I am not involved in ragging (I initiate it and lead it), or playing cricket in hostel rooms (I actually play Foot Ball) or watching movies in the system (Happens 24X7)”.

“You know what this is?” he pushed an open notebook towards me. It came sliding on the glass table and I stopped the book to avoid it falling off the table. I looked at the long note. It had columns like name, in time and reason for coming late. “Now I know why I am here” I thought and said “ this is a late night entry book”. These days I was coming very late to the hostel owing to the combined study in my friend’s room that ended up watching a movie in Galaxy theatre that is near by our campus. By the time I reach the hostel it used to be 2 AM, and I had to climb up and jump the 10-foot high compound gate. I was able to get in but could never escape from the eyes of the security gaurd. He religiously used to take my signatures and then let me go off. It wasn’t just me who did this but there were few others who followed this elevated path.

“Read those lines that are marked in red in every page,” he commanded. I saw the register. It was maintained date wise.

There was no other go but to read it loud.“22nd (3 AM)” I read the name “Salman Khan”. Since the in time for hostel is 11PM, to maintain my identity disguised, I had entered these names in the register. “Read the “reason for coming late”” he barked at me. “Meeting Aishwarya Rai” I said without lifting my head to avoid making an eye contact with him. “Next” he said as I turned the page. “25th (2AM) Azaruddin” . “Meeting who???” he said and stopped to recollect “…aaa Sonali Bendre!!” is it? “No Sir” I said lowering my voice “It’s Sangeetha Bizlani”. “Shut up” He snapped a news paper on table “What’s next?” “Sir” I said with a worried tone “ 29th August 3 AM” he raised his hand and gestured me to stop. “haaa…” he said remembering ”under the column name it’s written Anil Kumble” and the reason for coming late is “Match Fixing” is that right?” he asked me with a winning smile. I did not want to mess up the situation by correcting him again for naming my favorite cricketer Anil Kumble instead of Vinod Kambli, which I had written there. I agreed to it with a nod. He continued “There are many names like this including our late Prime Minister Pandit Jawahar Lal Nehru , who came late after meeting Lady Mountbatten and Mr. Clinton who came late after meeting Lewinsky. He looked at me expecting an explanation for this.

I can still bluff and get away from the situation, since the security guy was an illiterate. But next time when I will I get caught, I would get screwed up royally. I looked at him apologetically and said, “I know, it’s very tough to commit a mistake and escape from an intelligent person like you.” His chest doubled and the eyes shined when I told him Intelligent. He immediately reverted back to his original angry dog face trying to hide his feelings of being pleased. “I accept that I have done it and as your student whatever punishment you give I would accept it”. “No it’s a naughty mistake” he said with a light smile. “I know that I am a good actor” I thought and said, “I am sorry Sir, I would not repeat it again” giving a tensed smile. Gazing his reaction I asked “Shall I go now Sir” I turned.

“Not before you admit your second mistake” I heard the cold voice of Rudri from back.
(To be continued)

Walk the Talk

“Can you hold my internals?” he asked me as we just crossed the first floor. “Sure Sir” with a smile I took them carefully in my hands. “Don’t crush them,” he said looking at the way I am holding them. “No sir, I am not” I adjusted them once.

I met our Maths prof Rudrappa, on the way to my classroom. He was going to take the class for our section. As both of us were late to the class, only we were left in the corridor while all others were in their respective classrooms. We took the stairs together to reach the class. “Sir Happy New Year” I said breaking the silence between us. “Oh!” he looked at me and greeted “Vice versa” with a broad smile.

“So young man how you celebrated the New Year”. I thought for a sec and said “Sir I have been to Sai baba’s Temple yester day, as it was Thursday” (and I can see all our college girls there). “Yeah I know…later you went to Raj Bhavan with your friends for a Disco” he said giving a weird smile. I looked at him appalled “You should’ve applied for the post of a Sniffer Dog Rudri,” I thought.

“Sir how did you celebrated?” I asked him to avoid getting a free lecture on the topic “Today’s youth and their habits- both suck”. “I am a family man, what will I do” he stopped to catch up a breath “I spent time with my two daughters and one wife watching some shows on ETV Kannada”. “Two daughters Sir” I said with a flicker in my eyes which he didn't notice.

“Yes, two daughters. Unfortunately...” he paused to check if he brought his pen. It was there in his shirt pocket. “Unfortunately both are girls”. “Oh” I gave a sorry expression. This conversation is worth to be acted out in front of my friends I thought.

“Sir how is our class performance in your exam” I asked him. “Your section is G right?” he paused to recollect “It’s fine” he said. While keeping him busy with the conversation I was searching for my book in the bunch of internal exam books that I was carrying. I saw Antz’s paper first. He had scored 20 out of 25. Then I continued the search to look for my internal book.”. “Its section F’s performance that surprised me” Rudri said which I didn’t listen as I was busy in searching , while managing not to get caught by Rudri. “All the boys are toppers there”. I saw my name on a book. It displayed 18/25 in red color. “Good both of us got the average score of 15 now. So no need to write the third internals,” I thought happily. With a broad smile I turned to him. “It’s only the girls who are topless”. “What %@*?” I couldn’t believe what I have just heard. “Sir, where?” I almost shouted with astonishment. “It’s Section F,” he said wondering about my expression. “Holy F***, I should’ve been in Section F” I said to my self.

Then I realized “Oh it’s not that “Topless” he is talking about. “Forget it” I said to myself “There are better looking topless girls in my section in terms of marks”. As we entered the class, I kept the books on the table and went to sit beside Antz. “Why are you rotating with Rudri?” he asked me in Rudri’s language as I placed my bag on the desk. “Because he has two daughters” I said giggling “and the best part is…”

I gave a pause “Both are girls” I said laughing. “Silence” shouted Rudri. “All Sections of Sunayana madam scored well in the first internal, while mine scored bad” Rudri announced in a disappointment. Engineering Maths-2 for our batch was taken by Rudri as well as Sunayana Madam. She covered the portion for first internal in which all of us scored well. In the 2nd internals all of us scored low and incidentally Rudri had handled that portion. “Actually you see” he placed his palm over his tummy and smoothened the wrinkles of his safari and said “Sunayana Madam’s parts are soft, while mine is hard, so you scored less”.

“This would make the best lines for a sex comedy,” some one said from the back as entire class was fighting hard to control the laughter. “By any chance did you see our marks?” Antz asked me. “How can you think I miss it” I said and was telling him the scores while we heard Rudri barking at us.” Both of you three stand up,” he pointed towards us.

“Is it me Sir?” asked the guy who was sitting in front of our bench. “Not me behind me” he shouted in anger. “It’s me,” I said to the guy who was startled by the barking. “Come here” he said. By mistake the guy who was sitting next to us was also got pulled in to this. We went there praying the God not to put us in an embarrassing situation. “Follow me” he led us out of the class. He stopped abruptly “Now don’t follow me” he stamped his foot with anger and went in side the class.

We had no choice but to go to the library, as the show time of Galaxy (Mini Theater near our campus) is still3 hours away.

These kinds of funny incidents with Rudri were quite common in our college. He was able to assassinate English in his own way. His brain takes the inputs of the situations in Kannada, picks the relevant words in English and throws the output without caring for the grammar. Every sentence spoken by him made a best one liner joke we have ever come accross. But putting all of those incidents here would make this blog bigger than the Potter series, so I refrain doing that. Hope you enjoyed my tryst with the "Father of English".

Zero Gravity Part-2

"Does Attitude result in behavior or behavior forms an attitude" it was a chicken and egg question for me. Apart from this there were too many confusions to clear and too many concepts to digest with in a span of 3 months.(like FIRO Model, Individual Frame of Reference, Attributes and Behavior, Motivational theories, etc) The perfection in our Prof Arul's thoughts and the effective way of his teaching has made us to realize the greatness of OB. I started appreciating the subject and his teachings and the sad thing was that I could just appreciate it .

Thanks for the frequent meetings of us to strategize the study methodology, the Shetty's canteen made a good business out of it. We finally decided that each one of us will drill down one specific topic and explain it to others. I chose a relatively simpler topic. The team decided that instead of taking a walk around the campus after dinner, we all will walk to the class room to work on OB. I was against this decision since, I hated to study a theory subject after lunch or dinner for my own reasons. But as always I had to follow the majority, attend the extra class room sessions.

The days went fast while we were trying to make our selves comfortable with various concepts, the judgment day arrived. We had two exams to attend that day one systems related subject and in the afternoon it was OB. Even before the start of Systems exam, guys were busy revising OB. I saw Veni praying again, I was fed up with these scenes I turned the other side to spot possible information sources to complete the examination successfully. To my right a senior girl was sitting . I was turning to look the other side when I realized, she is one of the few girls who happens to be in my fortune 500 crush list.

While others were struggling to revise the portion they had completed yesterday night, I was struggling to start a conversation with a senior gal sitting next to me. Well the proven methodology to start the flirting inthis scenario is to talk about studies. I looked at the board there were two subjects were written in their code names SD and ITFM, "SD must be systems & designs and ITFM logically relates to IT" I thought for a second, turned towards that gal and said hai. She saw me with a question mark face and said a mild hai. "So you guys also have systems exam? Well you can help me then” I said smilingly.

She gave a confused smile and said “That’s a different subject, actually…”

“No you just write some thing, I will copy it from you” keeping my mischievous smile on, I continued “it doesn’t matter, after all it’s a same subject right” I stopped her before she could finish. I was trying to make the conversation more interested and occupied. I saw others also gave a smile and showed some attention to our conversation. I appreciated myself for easing up the exam tension of others.

“So what exactly ITFM means?” I asked her with continuing my smile.

“Information….Technology…..For…… Management” each word was stressed and was coming out with a mix of anger and frustration. But it was not the “Girl next Bench” who told this, it was Veni who was still continuing her angry stare. “Hey how do you know their subject? Cool yaar” I said to her without giving much importance to her look.

“Because it’s our subject” Karthi told me patting my shoulder with a broad smile while every one other in the class broke into a big laugh.I was totally embarrassed “well then SD isn’t it systems and…” before I could finish , the girl next bench said “its sales and distribution”.

“Ok, the results are out even before the exam started” I said to myself giving an embarrassed smile. I dug my face into the question paper while I was still sensing the angry stares of Veni.

Thankfully it was only the abbreviation of the subject that I was unaware of. The questions seemed quite ok and was able to finish the exam 30 minutes prior to given time. I rushed to our Mess.

After lunch, we had a brief discussion before leaving to the examination. This time it was only our batch who was writing the exam. The pattern of the paper was written on the black board which said “The exam comprises of two papers Part A 40 mins and Part B to be finished in an hour”. As the clock stroked, the invigilator came and distributed the paper.

“Part A” I read as it fell on my desk, I picked it up with mixed feelings of reluctance and fear as if it’s an alien piece that fell on earth. I held it with my finger tips, read it completely”. The paper was in “Fill in the blanks” format. “It could have been helpful if it was an objective type questionnaire” I thought. I opened the pen cap held the paper steadily on the desk by pressing it to fill int he two blanks which I was sure of. Of which, one was my name and another was the roll number.

I pitied my self for my situation and turned around to check others. I saw Tifosi eagerly waiting for the examiner to reach him and give the question paper. As I had nothing else to do with exam I was just watching how my friend Tifosi going to take this issue. The examiner gave the paper to Tifosi and turned back “Sir, give me Part B” Tifosi called him up.

“Well both can not be given at a time, you have 40 minutes to complete part A. After you are done you can take the other part”

“Well…” Tifosi paused and said “I am done with it, I have filled my name. You can take this and give Part B”. Taken back by surprise, the examiner walked back to Tifosi cursing silently about the dedication of today’s students. He took the paper and turned back, what he saw was the whole bunch of hands raised above the head, holding the question papers. The whole class proved to be allergenic towards OB.

The examiner sighed in despair, he collected all the papers and took the other bunch located on the far end of the table. Holding the bunch, he came near to my seat to start distributing from there. He gave the Part B and waited for few seconds expecting it to get it back with mandatory fields filled. I sensed his entity while reading the question paper and lifted my head to see him. He gave paper to the next person but stayed near to the point to collect it back so that he can reduce his work load.

“Probably I will give a try” I said looking at him. He smiled and proceeded with his distributing of papers.

The paper started with a kind of disclaimer saying “Time of Part A will not be carried forward to Part B”. “So Arul knows that we all will screw up part A” I thought. I scanned through Part B, this time other than the mandatory fields; I was able to touch few of the questions. Within half an hour half the class empty and after fifteen minutes only I was left in the exam hall. I completed the paper. The examiner collected my paper and turned back and forth to see. He gave a nasty smile noting an inverse relationship between the time spent in the hall and lines filled in the paper. Of course he will not know that you need to think a ton to write a line in Arul’s exam.

“If he sees my paper, he will definitely come to my room and will hit me” It was Lucifer's frustrated tone. “Don’t worry, he probably will have to create another holocaust to punish us for the kind of writings” I replied taking a sip of hot badam milk. “I don’t give him the chance” It was Veni who has just entered the canteen “We will kill you before any one gets you” Sandy said showing the same level of anger as Veni. “Don’t you even know the abbreviation of your own subject, disgusting you are!!!” every one seemed to enjoy the situation other than me, Sandy continued “Tell me one thing, how can you act so foolish?” “He was not acting” it’s Larry who utterly enjoys cracking jokes on me.

Amidst the surprising tests, presentations and exams, we managed to survive the first semester. All of us did well in the other subjects, while OB was the one culprit that pulled down the average score of the entire batch. The above average guys were pulled down to average level and less fortunate guys like me were pulled down to below average levels. In the end term, Arul wanted to loosen a bit so this time his question paper was very easy and many of us managed to touch the double digit.

Though the marks in OB proved to be comparatively lesser than other subjects,It was only OB that had added more knowledge to us and helped us to improve our thinking process in the areas like consumer behavior, Strategic marketing etc. Finally it was not exactly the marks that showcased our talent.It depends on the many other factors other than your reading time, like the kind of professor who molds your thinking process, the level of your involvement and the quality of discussion you do with your friends. If not a universal truth at least it holds good with my experience.

To conclude this pathetically lengthy story, It's not always exams that test the talent of a student. It's probably one of the least efficient tool to test one's talent. But there are only few professors like Arul who can efficiently use this tool.This was one of the few subjects where in I could witness a direct relation between the marks of the student to his actual intelligence. (Well do not post a comment asking my final marks in OB: ))

If you are keen on HR / OB related stuff the best site you can refer is:

http://www.geocities.com/Athens/5503/intro.html (It's our professor's site)

Zero Gravity...Part-1

I feel that Exams fail in testing the level of learning of a student, (In the process the student also gets failed often) but still the damn system pushes you to study, prepare one self to write and get through and maintain percentage in all those subjects that are remotely linked to your future job. A compulsory series of filtration like surprise quiz, planned quiz, mid term exam and end term exam. Some times we used to feel that, much of our time was devoted to evaluation rather than learning.

It was the first semester; every one was brimming with enthusiasm to prove themselves in the subjects they like most. It was "Organizational Behavior" that was the most liked subject for all, it also demanded much of our time to study, think and live with. But surprisingly that was the subject where none of us dared to dream about scoring a double digit.


One day Professor Arul walked into the class with an attender following him carrying a bunch of papers. "I had told you, the omens are always right" I said to Veni pointing to our test papers when she was saying her mirror broke down today morning, then while coming out of her hostel, she mistakenly walked under a ladder and was stopped by a black cat that crossed her. She didn’t bother to answer me, her eye balls rolled up and she started praying with a mix of tension and anxiety.

"Your prayers will be serious only when you are in a trouble" I thought recollecting the forward that said "What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? and the answer is "The ones in the casinos are serious". Senthil and I were exchanging evil grins seeing our friends pray. We stopped that as Sandy shot us a nasty look that seemed like encompassing all the bad words that we had come across by that day. Meanwhile we heard numerous hue and cries of our classmates who received the paper. Being seated at the last bench It was usually us who will have the last laugh. All of us waited impatiently for the test papers. I grabbed mine from our CR’s hand, only to look at the horrified image on the paper. It was a big, nasty looking zeroin red. For the first time I blamed Indians for inventing zero.

I was aghast, I felt it was only I who got this number (having faith in my abilities pertaining to this subject). But when I turned my head towards right , I witnessed a series of trembling hands that fluttered the papers which displayed the same symbol “The Zero”in blood red color, however I should admit that zero on my neighbor’s test paper always looks funny. Little satisfied that I have companions, I turned to my left. Believe me I was happy about my benchmates showcasing their team spirit, coz I saw the same funny images as on the right side.

“Apart from earth, Zero is one neutral entity that qualifies for having a great gravitational force” I thought “All of us start the exam with a zero marks, it’s only those fortunate ones who escape the gravity zone and move above”. In this subject the fortunate one, I mean the class topper was successful in moving out of the gravity zone and managed get 2 marks.

Veni showed some initial reluctance to show her paper, because zero for her meant a personal failure. I tried to soothe her saying “take it easy, it’s not just you. Many of us ended up with a zero, and the highest mark is 2”. Senthil looked at me and said “thambi, why it’s just you and me who are not taking it seriously? Has some thing seriously gone wrong with us?”. I patted his shoulders saying “It’s only the brave who can cheer up in failures” .

“shut up, you know it’s the first time in my life, I ended up getting zero” Veni got psyched up with our talk

“What do you think it’s so common for every one of us to get zero?" I retarded " C’mon yaar it’s for me too. I never got a zero before; of course I had scored -4 once in my engineering math’s but never a zero” Senthil and Ash broke into a big laugh as soon as I finished my statement while Sandy and Veni were reaching to their boiling point. Believe me when it comes to education / career, boys tend to be easier going compared to gals, it may be due to carelessness or due to over confidence, but it shows up as a “Cool” attitude. Guess I was both.

“Can’t you behave normal Vardhan”? Sandy said to me in a cold voice.

“Hey it’s only Vardhan, who is normal” Senthil gave a back up” C’mon let’s move to the canteen and let’s think what we should do”. When it comes to strategizing the study approach Senthil and Bava were at their best. For next few days till the mid term we had planned how to study this subject. Even though every one scored less, it wasn’t just me or my bench mates, still the number Zero on the answer sheet was very alarming. So we took a oath to study and understand our Professor Arul’s case studies. Believe me it was tough to reach the expectations of India’s one of the famous HR practitioners. All of us started to put their best efforts in OB, while managing the performance in other subjects. We were geared up for the coming mid terms in next week.

Shake Sphere

“Caricature” Bava asked me tucking his shirt while continuing the brisk walk towards the class from canteen. Without moving my concentration from the bread sandwich in my hand, I took another big bite and said “Distorted sketch”. then it was my turn I asked him “Flamboyant”? He replied “Gaudy”, Show off kind of thing. “Bava you rock” I shook him and said as I entered the class. He was one of the nigger that every one liked. Very shy in nature, yet intelligent and eloquent when it comes to subject, a 180 degree opposite to me.

This verbatim exercise was not for some GRE or Gmat exam, but to become editors of our prestigious in-house magazine for which our Marketing prof KB was the chief editor. Since we sit together we use to exchange lot of new words and play grammar correction games to make sure we get into this editor’s post. Few days back when our class representative (Who is again my one of the nigger friend) announced like a Wal Mart store manager to catch the seats which we like to sit and it will remain our seating place for the rest of the year, every one and rushed to pick their best seating places. By the time I realized all the corner seats were booked since dozing off in those seats has less probability of getting caught. By the time I realized our friends group had only one row left, the last one which is positioned to match the exact height of the stage. It was unfortunate to be situated at the top and worse than that was that I had to occupy the middle seat that does not provide any shelter from the weird looking profs. I said to Bava giving a forcible but positive smile “this place will make sure that I will stay awake”. For the rest of the two years I spent half of my classes there by dozing off, and in remaining classes I was thrown out for dozing off.

The D-day arrived where both of us gave our best shot for the exam and were eagerly waiting for the results. Two days after the exam, when I sat in class with Bava witnessing our prof killing my favorite subject Operations Management, the news came that the Dimensions results are available on the notice board. We all rushed to the notice board immediately after the class. We found a list that contained around 60 names, so we did not bother to see what it was since you can not have that many number of editors, So we switched to the adjacent board, there was a notice that titled “Dimensions”. Bava and I eagerly looked into the 4-member list to check if we two were the lucky ones. Well after scanning through the list I exclaimed, “It’s ok Bava, Dimensions is not that lucky, lets make it to debonair or playboy” giving a sad grin. My friend Bava cannot take these kinds of failures easily; he showed clear disappointment on his face. While we were trying to come out of the grief, we heard a chorus of “shit” sounds, which was the resultant reaction of the list that bared the names of students who are asked to attend English classes. We didn’t bother to see it, why does a a candidate running for editor’s seat would think of being listed for English classes. We were heading to canteen but were stopped by Senthil with a wide grin over his face. He patted our back saying “Welcome to the under privilege club of niggers who don’t know English” I said “why are you saying us”. He replied only to knock our foot “Coz you two guys are in the list”. “Shit Happens” now another two painful F words vanished in the crowd’s talk.

“I believe that I can fly, I can touch the sky” come on guys sing it out, It was our guest faculty who was uttering enthusiastically in an effort to break the ice with the rhymes. It’s a pathetic idea that didn’t work of course. He was the only one who was showing the spirit. The cell phone beeped, it was a message from Sandy “how is the English stuff happening?” I showed the message to Bava and said “Forget not getting into dimensions, but how on earth we landed up here” in a totally disappointed voice. Bava was in a state of shock, he took the mobile from me and replied “We just started with twinkle, twinkle little star, still long way to go”.

The faculty wanted us to speak Queen’s English. His name was Veer Das, after finishing up Rhymes, he was telling about the pronunciations, he said enthusiastically “Its not water its watah”, I said from the back bench “its not veerdas, its weird ass”.
Well later he was replaced with a really good faculty this time, and every one was happy about it, coz she looked good.

Troubled by a call

It was my second day in an MNC and first time in a software company.I was provided with a SDD (Software Design and Development) document and was asked to get an idea about the project. But being a non techie, that was the last thing that I had expected to do on job. Anyway I had to read the 876 page book and I was totally convinced that the author of this book was totally drunk when he wrote this.

After a week it was the time for me to get a KT (Knowledge Transfer) from my German Counterpart . There were other few bunch of new entrants to the team across different countries like India, Japan and Germany. Since I was the only one person who was senior in this project ,and had read the SDD , so naturally was responsible for coming out with doubts , raising issues and make myself as well as others to get a hold on the concept.

The Scheduled time for the conference call was set for 16:30, I was ready with my doubts and tried logging in to the confo call at 16:20. Then started "The series of Unfortunate events".

Of late one of my friend was telling me that when you "Assume", you make ass of u n me. Here I assumed that sitting in front of a system with headphones is enough to attend a conference call.
As the clock stroked 16:30, I tried logging in the system , but could not get connected. I asked the colleague sitting next to me who was able to successfully join the conference call. He advised me to call 100. I dialed 100 thinking of an excuse I can tell if it connects to the near by police station.

The other end of the phone I received a polite voice of a guy asking how he can help me. After listening to me he said "Sir, you need to raise a ticket against the component IT-IBC". "Ticket...what???" I said trying to digest too many jargon's with in few days of joining. " Can I have your C Number Sir?" he asked me without caring my question.

He noted down my ID number and replied back "Sir, your role is not assigned to the organization chart. so you do not have authorization to raise a ticket"

"Who the hell wants to raise a ticket, I wanted to join the call" I said to myself and asked "Then what you want me to do?" .

"Well you have to raise a ticket for that" his voice seemed as if he concluded it. "You mean...!" I asked him suspiciously "I have to raise a ticket saying that I can not raise a ticket". "Perfect Sir" I heard from the other end while I was thinking of the logical impossibility of the task.

"Are you nuts!!" I wanted to shout but said "Connect me to some one else If you can't help me out".

He adjusted his tone and said "Well I am certainly here to help you out Sir" he continued with his pleasing tone "Please check your mail box , I have sent you a file that contains method of raising a ticket for the first time , and assigning it to a component." As he was saying I opened my mail box to check the newly received mail. It was a 13 page PDF document. I asked his name and said "Nithin, thanks for sending me such an elaborate document , but I am not quite sure that I have enough time to read through your document, raise a message and then log in to the conference call"

"No sir, this document helps you in raising a ticket that you are not able to join conference call, not to help you join immediately. After you raise a ticket one of us will attend the issue, based on the priority we will solve and..."

" That's great and fantastic" I interrupted "But can you solve this issue, right now coz there are people waiting for me in the call?" I put up a commanding voice.

"Well sir, that is not the way we work, but..."
"If you keep aside the ifs and butts, shall I tell you the problem" I said with an increased frustration.

"Hey Vardhan, aren't you joining the call?" it was a ping from my Team lead.

"Boss what are you thinking? If you want I will raise a high prio message once you solve the problem, then you can close it right?!!! Is that ok??"

"Well fine sir, but next time..." I cut him "Ok yaar I will raise the ticket, now tell me what shall I do?"

"Give your system IP and come to net meeting"

It took a min for me to search where the system IP is and how to log on to net meeting.

I joined the net meeting with an IT support guy while rest of my team was in confo with a developer.

"Sir, looks like your computer is not installed with a Confocal software, do you want me to install it?" . "Do I have an option?" I asked impatiently. "No sir, this is the only way. It takes 10 mins". "Well, go ahead then. Why ask"I replied

While he took the control of screen and was working I waited impatiently."So what you had for lunch?"his voice was over pleasant. I was not keen to strike up a sick conversation like this with a guy, but I am in a situation which demanded me not to be rude with him now

I wanted to say "Well two butter rotis, three chapathis, three curries ,..." but said "are you asking me??" with a suspicious tone.

"No Sir, not you. Hey Deepa, what did you have today?'

I wanted to make sure this guy also worked while the flirting is going on and on. I said "how many more mins"

"It's done Sir, I have installed the software" I thought yeah too early half the KT (Knowledge Transfer) must have been over by now.

"You can restart the computer and then join the call" these words had an effect of bomb shells.

I restarted in a min and typed "Conf" as the run command to open up the application. A window popped up saying "Are you sure you want to join the confocal". "No" I said to myself "actually I am planning to shout from here" being irritated to the core . At last I was able to join the call and listen to the discussion going on. Well my troubles aren't over now. It was the turn of the mike to give it away. I realized it when I joined the call.

"If you do not have any doubts, I will probably end this session, Thank you..." Christine the German developer was saying when I just entered the call. I said immediately "No Christine I have few doubts regarding..." still she continued towards formal ending. I typed them to hold on for a min and ran for the IT store of the company, I threw the head phones on table and said "this is faulty, give me other".

I fainted when he said "Sir there is a procedure, you need to raise a tick......"