Rambling of a Male Chauvinist

Of late, I was looking for a perfect match for my brother. So like a quintessential Indian Son, I accompanied my Mom to various marriage bureaus across Bangalore looking for prospective brides. Having committed the mistake of taking birth in an orthodox Brahmin family and over the top of it not getting committed to any one, searching for a better half is not an easy task any more . Well go through this post to get an insight of the dynamics of marriage market.

It’s more complex than the Philip Kotler’s theory of segmentation. It’s like this. I am a Brhmin, in that a Tamilian, with in that sect an Iyengar, with in that…it follows another two layers like this and finally you will know the target sect (s) that you can look into for a bride. If you spot a girl in the microscopic sub sect that you are looking for, I bet you are far luckier than Columbus was (Blame it on the male female ratio in India) when he spotted America. Only thing is that, you might not get into history. Well that’s not the end of the quest. Now the horoscopes of the girl and the boy should match. Believe me this is the toughest part and the chances of getting it matched is as high as winning a UK lottery.

Well if you are gaping your mouth wondering when the guy and girl would have their say, it’s now, please close your mouth, be a vegetarian. If horscope meet, then the two families meet, if time permits the guy and girl will also get to see each other (in presence of their elders). The two families talk and decide if it’s going to work out. Then the guy and the gal would be allowed to talk just for the sake of formality (To hell with their decision, it’s not considered). After this they get married. Now you must be feeling that getting into Microsoft and dating Gate’s daughter is much easier to this. You are right.

Well, coming to the "male chauvinist" part that you are wondering about. I have gone through hundreds of girls profile, in all of them I found one striking similarity. There's one desire that has spread like a disease, a kind of virus that apparently affects the Guys and not the girls. The parents of the girls have updated their daughter’s profile like these. All with a similar set of wants (or should I call it a need. I don’t know)

.Varshini has completed her 10th, has finished her diploma in Classical Dance and is looking forward to settle in US. Brahmin Software boys working in US are preferred. (It could have been more clear if they had mentioned whether it should be a Java professional or Dot Net or SAP. Right?)

.Mythili is studying final year engineering. Interested to settle down in US. Green card holders are preferred, H1B might be considered. Those who are not looking for working girl can contact, others please excuse (Uncle, you could have also have added some thing like “beware of Dogs” or “no entry for sales persons”)

.Roshini is a broad minded girl (Wow…What does that mean?) from an orthodox family (oh…now this confuses me!). She is working in US (I am game). Brahmin boys who are at a good managerial position (Hey! Wait a minute. You said she is broad-minded right?) Or owning a business (You could have been little elaborate by saying the turn over of the business). Divorcees are also considered (!?!?!?). (Yeah I know one guy called Bill Gates, he’s got his own computer shop there. But I am not sure if he is of the same sect as yours).
You might not be as amused as I am if you are a girl. But take it from me, if you are a guy then run up to the nearest gal, propose fast and get married by EOD (Girls are playing hard on the demand supply gap man). Or accept if some one had already proposed you (Too lucky aren’t you?), or the last and also the least advisable “Go green, do your bit to the population explosion”. Still didn’t get it? Ok I was trying to say, “Be a gay”. The Girl’s and their parents requirements are getting much more complex than the client’s requirements. So plan accordingly hedge your future by some means (That’s a naughty thought, but I like it .)

Now Girls, please do contact me if you like my profile.

I am a broad minded Brahmin software techie (Yeah I write codes in Sanskrit). Who has never ever worked on onsite project, who is earning a handsome salary but is ready to sacrifice his career to help his partner’s career and is willing to settle down in US (I told you it’s for Girls not for guys). I am planning to retire after the marriage (I meant from work) and settle down in US or UK. Interested girls who are earning 6 figures and have best features can contact me. Caste no bar.

Oh why am I getting all the sarcastic smiles now? Get into my shoes and tell me what’s wrong if I consider marriage as one convenient option (the way girls are considering now) to obtain the kind of life style I desire. It still sounds ridiculous is it? I bet it would sound completely normal requirement if a gal had said these. I was telling these requirements to one of my girl friend and she said to me “Hey don’t even dream about it. All you guys are same, all are Male @&#%”. I cut the phone.

What on earth is some thing called “Equality”? (Some one rightly said, “Women fight for equality and still demand reservations”).What's wrong if I desire a life style like this. I help her to get ready to office, drop her in a car give a good-bye kiss and drive back home. Put the dishes to washer, clothes to laundry. Then go out and rent some DVDs and buy one crate of Budwieser . By the time friends would have come home to play Poker. Enjoy the Beer, Movie and the game. At evening, will take the Ferarri and roam around with hot chicks. Drop them off to their place, pick up my better half and go home. That’s it. Simple enough? :)

Hey I hear some one yelling “You Male Chauvinistic %&$...”.

Colors of Life (Styles)

Last week one of my friends from Mangalore (Sid), offered me a couple of free luncheons and dinners, which was enough to lure me to pack my bags and run to Mangalore. Santa accompanied me in this trip.

After our trip to the near by falls, Agumbe and Sid’s favorite place his college in Manipal (Best of the colors were seen at Manipal however), we settled down in a restaurant called “Village”. Sid ordered the list of items that he wanted to try there, it covered 80% of the items under Vegetarian section. I wouldn't surprise if half the species in the world goes extinct, if this guy changes his food habits. In order to avoid staring at others plates , we started talking about our college days. Sid asked me to explain the concept of “Niggers and whites”.

It was in our college days, we had divided the people in to two prominent classes they are “The Whites” and “the blacks”. There is also another category of (psyched up) people called “Tribals” who were neither W nor B. Forget it we are not going to talk about that tribe now.

“First let me tell you about Whites” I said “These guys are gifted with all kinds of luxuries that a student in India can think of having. Like four wheelers, posh bikes and visits to exquisite restaurants and hookah bars with (white) girls. When they go for trip, it will be to the places like Munnar, Kodai or some other fancy place like Goa.

“So do I fall in the Whites category?” Shippy asked me curiously, knowing that he matched most of the above said criteria. “No” the answer came from Sid “You are a Nigger. You will come to know why” he took another big bite from the Veg Role and gestured me to continue. I resumed again. “They are posh and speak class English. Whatever they do, will do in a class way. They talk US politics and listen to English numbers. Show interest only in fellow whites. Blacks are not much entertained leaving out few exceptions like Tatri (Kind of Michale Jackson, a fair skinned black), Sid (A cosmopolitan Nigger) and Santa (A Negro comedian)

Now coming to the blacks. These guys enjoy the life in their own ways despite being devoid of all the luxuries that whites enjoy. Unlike whites, the person to bike ratio is 4:1. For example all of us (you are right, in a way it’s Nigger’s get together) had just one two wheeler to ride, that was our Sid’s priced possession, rather call it an antique piece. (It was the first model of Bajaj Chetak, released in India). The blacks do not speak good English, (believe me I am an exception…hmmm…ok to some extent Sid). They discuss local politics and listen to regional music. Their cash flow allows them to drink only in small bars, dhabhas and some times in their own hostel rooms. They rarely will have (white) girls accompanied. These guys are simple in nature and try to mingle with every one. If they plan a trip, it would be as simple as: trekking to Chamundi hills or boating in Karanji Lake etc. I paused as I poked the fork in to the “Crispy Vegitable" in a desperate attempt to get a taste of it before sid sucks it in like a black hole

Not knowing whether it was a pause or a stop, Shippy said to me “You still did not reason me out why am I black”. “Well not all the questions can be answered by this theory” I said disappointed as Sid snatched away the last piece of “Crispy Veg”. “But let me ask you” I said pointing the fork at him “What makes you to organize this trip with a bunch of hard core niggers? And not a single white included!” I said, “This should explain the logic behind your categorization”

“Sanal and I have come up with a new theory” Sid exclaimed. Santa was not bothered about all these funny classifications, as the gloomy thoughts about his girl friend loomed over him after the fourth peg. As it was expected we did not give a damn about it.

While the Management of the “Village” was planning to ease their operations by laying down a conveyor belt from Kitchen to Sid’s mouth, Sid spoke tearing a paratha “It’s three groups. Ramu, Dude and Class”. Ramu are basically God fearing, flat, simple and obedient guys. ‘Kind of Black’ I thought. “Class” he said and stopped to order half of the desserts available in the Menu(he was on diet). Then he continued, “owing to their brought up ,and the surrounding environments, Class guys tend to be very posh, modern and polished”. I asked Sid “the way I am. So, do I belong to..." He said cutting across my words "Dont even think about it.It will be an insult to that group if I said you were class” he said vacuuming the remaining Coke from the bottle. “Coming to Dudes" he continued "These guys are originally “Ramu”s, apparently they try to behave like Class” he said “Like Sree, Vardhan, Anju etc”. "Ok. I am in this at least" I said to myself happily.

We finished the dinner and were happy about our own theories and the discussion that went on. By now you might have got a fair idea about the segment that you fit into. Both the theories are based on the attribute “Life Style”. These ground-breaking theories are of extensive help when you go for segmenting a market on the basis of this Psychographic attribute. I am sure the Sid’s theory is more refined, while mine has got fair chances of creating a communal riots if applied.