A Long List of Shortcomings

Below is the speech that won me first place in Humorous speech contest in Toast Masters.

A Wise man once said “If you want to know your flaws / shortcomings, point one of your wife’s flaws and she will point ten of yours”. But I say why to risk pointing even one? My dear Toast Masters, Contest chair and guests, last night I asked my wife to point out my shortcomings. I know it sounds like turkeys begging for Christmas. But I had my reasons to do that. I was working on a “self-deprecating humour speech” and as a first step I wanted to list my short comings. I sat for hours, but I could not think of a single one. I was both happy and sad at the same time. Then I thought, who could be better than my wife to tell my own shortcomings. So last night, after putting the kids to bed, I asked my wife if she can help me with this. She got so thrilled. She got so excited, that I got terrified. It was a long night for me. The astonishing part was the fluency on the subject, that she took only one break, to brush her teeth in the morning. She just wanted to help, that’s it. She also wrote a speech reference for me.(Prop: Releasing a lengthy roll of paper with lot of words in it).

 It is quite exhaustive with date and time stamp and dates back to our first meeting. I will give you few examples

• Cant remember things. True, because she gave tonnes of examples for this and I don’t remember any of them.

• Cant find things…No….This list is full of husband stereotypes like cant’ remember, can’t find things, doesn’t do dishes, doesn’t’ take care of dogs…wait that’s not true… coz I love dogs….and…. we don’t have dogs!!… Oh sorry…its not dogs its kids. My mistake. Must be true then.

•     Wastes money on unnecessary items. This is about the Google Home I bought home. I was not happy with that either, because every time I ask a question, I get two responses. The second response is always from…any guesses??… from Google Home. I returned to the store and got full refund when I sighted that this box is not as accurate as my wife. Don’t believe me!! Sunday morning, wanted to play cricket, I asked “Okay google, what is the weather like”.

•    “Doesn’t know how to argue”. Argument is a multi-dexterous skill that involves recollecting past events and linking to the present events and building a case on it while one is angry. Unfortunately evolution skipped this skill for men. So I don’t want to argue, I don’t remember when I have won. The last time I won an argument, I was made to believe that I had won an argument. Honestly,I believe we men have more odds of winning a lottery than winning an argument.

So let me not follow the script and share with you just two of the interesting shortcomings.

1)      Why do you care, you are not going to go out!

2)      28 degrees, sunny, Parramatta

But that morning was wet. For me, because I spent scrubbing the bathroom tiles.

Anyways, in the morning, I woke up late with a slight headache. Not sure why. I took a quick shower, and when I came out, I was surprised. Because my clothes were pressed, lunch was packed and the kids were looking clean. The best part was my was all cheerful and happy. That made me realised, it is very easy to make your woman happy. You just have to listen, pay attention… sometimes. Sometimes she might just have a point.